If you chuckle at more than half of them ‘You’re in!
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.' She replies!
Woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist. …. Govan,' she replies.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
Oor Wullie.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tart’n?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer? The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?' Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street.
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up' he asks
'Piston broke,' replies the guy
***********
'Aye, same as masel’ Jimmy!
