Stupid humour

[Jim Pritchard]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Uncle Roy]

I used to have a woodpecker called Woody, until he attacked my girlfriend.
I still can't believe Woody would peck her.

[Steeliedave]

A woman where I work has been taking the fertility pill with a glass of pond water, she's just found out she's two months stagnant.

[Jim Pritchard]

Mary texts her husband on a cold winter morning :- 'Widows frozen ??'..
Paddy texts back :- 'Pour some warm water over it and wipe it dry'.
Mary texts back :- ' Computer totally f now !!!'

[Ken Byng]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks”, said Paddy

[Uncle Roy]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he phoned the employee's home phone number and a young boy answered and said his dad and Mum were in the garden but could not answer as they were talking to several policemen who had dogs with them..
Wondering what was going on, the boss asked, 'May I speak with a policeman?'
' No, they are very busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and trying to calm my Mummy. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter '
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '

[Uncle Roy]

After 30 years of driving a taxi I have decided to change jobs,
I just got fed up of people talking behind my back all day

[Uncle Roy]

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital
And asked to see the "upturn."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?"
Asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl.
"I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern;
Contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....
What's the difference?
All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months,
And I think I'm stagnant."

[Steeliedave]

Archaeologists working in Egypt have uncovered a strange mummy, it's covered in chocolate and chopped nuts, they think they have found
The Pharaoh Rocher

[Uncle Roy]

My wife and I are suffering from empty -nest syndrome
We both got evicted earlier this morning