Stupid humour

[andrew marson]

£50? That'll be the day!

[slimbo]

Just a little something to get you all throu Christmas.

[Uncle Roy]

War on drugs, brought more drugs.
War on terror, brought more terror.
Can we have a war on easy women?

[Uncle Roy]

Sex is a lot like quantum physics..... I've heard of it.

[Willie Gamble]

i HAVE SEX DAILY...................SORRY, I MEANT DYSLEXIA



ASLEEP AT THE STEEL

[Uncle Roy]

I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No."

"I'm confident, bold, and I am not afraid to take risks, " I told the interviewer.
"That may be the case, but would you please get out of my chair and wait outside with the other applicants until your name is called, " he replied.

I'm not saying my wife has bad teeth, but when she smiles, it looks like her tongue is in jail.

I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.

I went on a date with a girl last night.
I said, "You look lovely, by the way."
"Thanks," she smiled. "My dad made me what I am today."
"You come from a rich family?" I asked.
She said, "No, he's a transgender surgeon."

[Uncle Roy]

WELL I DID SAY HE COULD BORROW IT FOR ONE GIG.

[Gretschnut]

Saw on the "box" that it was the premier of "50 shades of grey". Must be something wrong with me as I would rather go and see the "Battle of the five armies!"

[Jim Pritchard]

On the subject of " 50 Shades" this could be a man's point of view.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly.
It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke.
So I went for a smoke.

'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said,
'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it.
I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.

As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . .
'Clean up on aisle 3!!!!!'

'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously.
'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

Frantically, I tore off her dress, bra and knickers.
My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

‘Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied,
'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!'
'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off.
Then it turned her on and off and on again.

They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it.
Too many women, not enough thyme.

'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.
'So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub'.

Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried.
'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said,
'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said.
'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly.
You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless.
No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!'
'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'
'Don't worry my dear,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.
'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.
......................

[Ken Byng]

Some groaners

. How does Moses make his tea?...... Hebrews it
· Venison for dinner again? .........Oh deer!
· A cartoonist was found dead in his home......... Details are sketchy.
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
· I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
· They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
· I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's synching now.
· Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· When chemists die, apparently they barium.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
· I didn't like my beard at first,........but it grew on me.
· Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
· Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? .......A thesaurus.
· I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro ? ... What a rip off !