Stupid humour

[Steeliedave]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, couldn't give a F**k.

[Steeliedave]

I was walking down our high street the other day when I noticed a guy sat in a door way with a sign hanging around his neck saying "Falklands war veteran", I thought, whats the world coming to we pay footballers millions to kick a ball about and here's a guy who has fought for his country begging in a doorway, so I gave him twenty quid, to which he said, "gracias senor".

[Uncle Roy]

Teacher: What does your father do, Billy?
"He's a welder, Miss."
And what does your father do, Freddie?
"He's a postman Miss".
And what does your father do Johnny?
"My father's dead Miss"
Oh, I'm sorry, Johnny.
What did he do before he died?
"He went all white and fell over Miss!"

My wife is an Angel.
You're lucky, mine's still alive!

[Paul Brennan]

Guy and his wife having a meal in a Chinese restaurant. He calls the waiter over.
"Eh, this chicken is rubbery!"
"Ah so, and your wife she is rubbery too!".

[roy n westley]

This is to the tune on the tele Over there on a chair were her eyebrows her theeth and her hair my poor mind was muddled the curves i cuddled lay on the carpet here and there wat ascare did i stare she said come to your bride I said wear just you turn over Ill think it over there cant be much to love when you think wats over there

[bob adams]

Just got this message from John Davis..........

Bob, How can I show this in the Humour section???



done! John

ps. old Yancie! one of the original great gospel bass voices who died recently (George Yance, The Cathedral Quartet! always introduced humour to the proceedings.

[slimbo]

THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to make love..
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

[slimbo]

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES ....
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!

[Steeliedave]

Little Boy talking to his Mom, She say's to him, Billy what would you like to do when you grow up, the lad thinks for a minute then say's, Mommy I would like to be shot into space, his Mom say's, if your Dad had done what I told him you would have been.

[Steeliedave]

A little girls next door neighbors are having some building work done and she starts looking over the fence and talking to the guys doing the work. After a couple of day's the guy's start taking a shine to her and make her their mascot. At the end of the week they get her a little hard hat, a little high viz jacket, and they give her a small wage packet with £5 in it. She goes into her Mother and shows her what the builders have given her. Her Mother say's that's very kind of them isn't it, are you going help them next week? the little girl say's yes if F**king Jewsons deliver the F**king bricks.