Stupid humour

[Uncle Roy]

My mate was trying to convince me he had x-ray vision, I saw straight through him.

Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

The doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely" "Look here , Doc", I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight sod"

[Donny Johnston]

Can you smell gas, or is it me?

[acerod]

Went to the doc about a varicose vein in my right leg. He said it was old age. My other legs the same age. How come its OK?

[Zumbilly(Murdoch)]

My Wife answered the door last night and called through to the kitchen "It's a man here with a beard" I said tell Him I've got one.
She shouted back "He says He was in Your class at primary school" I replied "There was no one in My class with a beard! Oh wait a minute,,The teacher had a beard.......Miss Brown!!!!

[Donny Johnston]

I was sitting at home last night and the doorbell went, some people will take anything.

My wife answered the door then called through, " there's a salesman at the door with a big fat arse " I said tell him you've got one.

I had to go to A & E last night, That Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[Uncle Roy]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkeys, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order...The police believe they're still at large.

[acerod]

There's someone going round the shops here stabbing Cornflakes packets with a large knife. Police suspect a cereal killer.

[STEDDIE EDDIE]

i had all my teeth out at the dentist !..........it was terrible ! ................... never again !

[Donny Johnston]

I got up this morning and opened the door in my dressing gown, it's a funny place to have a door.

I saw a man out walking his dog, I said "why is your dog wearin small brown boots?" he said because the black ones are being mended.

A man came to my door, I said " Come in, the curtains are drawn but the rest of the furniture's real"

[Uncle Roy]

I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig. It was pretty standard, but I got to the end and found there to be a twist in the tale
The French are concerned that 77% of their electricity comes from nuclear power. I think they should stop over-reacting.