Stupid humour

[JohnDavisStringsHere]

Roy! BEHAVE YOURSELF!!

[Uncle Roy]

Her wish came true

[Arcada]

After some reports I've removed a few posts form this thread.

Please remember when posting that posts should a) not potentially cause offence to anyone and b) be family friendly, as this is a public forum.

[Danny Mitchell]

Apologies, Marc, for lowering the tone.

[Basil Henriques]

Apologies, Marc, for lowering the tone.

Nope it was me. apologies to all for being an Idiot. I do it so easily..

[Basil Henriques]

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place....
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Jim Pritchard]

Hi everyone,
Hope you are all keeping well.
This 'lockdown' time has given me time to have a play with some art/graphic programs,
and have spare time to make some humorous sketches, with a deliberate mistake , (as well as some seat time).
This one is for those who understand real music, not just tab

[Basil Henriques]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said,
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
"What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

[Basil Henriques]

Not so much STUPID, but definitely humour from both adversaries..
To Robert MacNeilage (Scotland)
“Hi Robert, can you please answer the question you were asked when you applied to join the Facebook page?”

REPLY from Robert MacNeilage“ Hi Basil, this will be difficult as I have not received a question from you, perhaps it hit the wall that Hadrian built to keep us safe from southerners”

That did it, the cheek of him, “Southerners” indeed ! so I replied:—>

“Hi Robert, I'm not sure have you got "Specsavers" your side of the wall, so I'll explain the previous picture; It shows that you applied to join, and it also shows that you haven't answered the question. Now, to elaborate, the question was visible to you when you applied, you missed it, that would be an indication to me that posts of yours on the forum that had members answering would also likely to be missed by you.. I'm sorry, the question itself was formulated to check out applicant's perception and English language skills, a simple question that required an answer; "Why do you want to join" ... NOW the killer punch is if you were to say "What Group ?, that would be a further indication of your meandering tendencies..Not even knowing what group you applied to join ?

Furthermore, with 'Brexit' looming and lumbering slowly ever closer, I'm not sure you would want to be involved in a forum where the majority of members were "Those other people".. Having said all that, "You're in" just because !

Being an administrator and moderator for Farcebook on many steel guitar related pages is very time consuming and I'm sure you appreciate that I do not normally bother to follow up "FAILED" applications. But we love you so you're in..You do understand that it's only because you posses a "Magic" bar and we are compelled by its powers to admit its owner to ANY of the pages that I manage.. So I reiterate, "You're In"..“

REPLY from Robert MacNeilage“ “Hi Basil, as I do not know whether I'm coming or going at times, tricky questions can be difficult.
As my mother was a refugee from the good side of the river Tamar and my father being a good Scot he rescued her during the war years, they then fled from the English, scrambled over Hadrians wall and settled in the lowlands of Bonnie Scotland.
I was born here and enjoy the benefits of their valiant efforts to thwart the hardships life had brought them.
My brother being thicker than I am has went back over to the dark side and now resides in Cornwall " O' arr".
Now that I've explained my family history you'll understand why you had to make allowances for my lack of moral judgment, but being a Scot I usually get away with anything.
Being a " FAILED " applicant I must admit to the powers of the "Magic" bar and find it has improved my playing immensely, but that is no claim to fame because it was rubbish to start with!
I can only end by thanking you for approving my application, I am so glad to be part of the "magic" circle, and can only wait for some of your talent to spring eternal from my hands, I don't need yer patter 'cos I've already got enough to spare!
Need to go and try some magic on my guitar now
Robert”

I am right, I always suspected that they DID speak English north of Hadrian’s Wall..

[TonyT]

I went to Boots yesterday for my hearing test. All went well, they told me I need an earring made.