Stupid humour

[Jason Lynch]

I Took my wife to a wife swapping party last night. I did ok- got a set of socket spanners in exchange.

[Steeliedave]

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair, said simple Simon to the pie man what have you got there, well pie's you thick sod.

[Basil Henriques]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off
because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be
less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother,
please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being
so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie,
which is still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still
yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard
of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would
have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay it's a
coincidence, but it's true)..

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I
can't pull any bearesses 'cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of
the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for
goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with
that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his
goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still
purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go
see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find
the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
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> >you'll be sorry you ever had me as a friend after this.....
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> >she flew off, saying......."Just follow the Yellow-Dick Toad"!!

[JohnDavisStringsHere]

Whew!! it must get better than that!!! ??!! Its gotta get better than that>>>> Cannot believe it! and I read it all as well...

[john roche]

Two Mexicans are stranded in the desert, on their last leg, about to die of thirst. They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with strip after strip of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"...

"ees... a.... Hambush"

[JohnDavisStringsHere]

Two Palastinians are stranded in the desert, on their last leg, about to die of thirst. They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they see it is a little Jewish man with a stall at the side of the road selling ties and as they approatch he says to them "hey you rabs dyah wanna buy a tie" they say "No No we want water" Jewish man says "got no water just ties ("only $5 american!) , But if you can go north for another mile and a half, my brothers got a beautiful cafe there shaded by palm trees with as much ice cold water as you can drink,sure you don`t wanna buy a tie? " "No says the Arab "we should kill you really but for your advice we will let you live......."

Two days later they crawl back down the road on their hands and knees almost dead from thirst and exhaustion.....little Jewish man says



Whats up Doc,.........



Arab man says.....


with his dying breath.YOUR STUPID BROTHER WOULD NOT LET US IN WITHOUT A TIE ON .....

[acerod]

Hickory Dickory Dock
Two mice ran up the clock
The clock struck One
But the other got away.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear

Hickory Dickory Dock
A mouse ran up the clock
When he came down
His bum was brown
And so was the cuckoos c---

[acerod]

A Pony Express rider arrives at a remote ranch 400 miles from the nearest civilisation. When the rancher goes out to greet him he is horrified to discover the poor rider is at deaths door having been hambushed by Indians on his way. He falls off his horse and is lying on the ground bleeding from dozens of arrow,bullet and knife wounds. The rancher kneels beside him and leans down with his ear to the dying mans lips to try to hear his final words. The rider looks at the farmer with tears in his eyes and with his dying breath says
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''Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh No mail today''

[Steeliedave]

Two men and a woman flying across the desert crash land miles from anywhere, they check around the wreckage and the only thing intact is a bag of flour. The one guy says if we could find some water and mix it with the flour we could bake some bread in this heat that might keep us alive for awhile. But there's no sign of water anywhere. The other guy say's we could try pissing in the flour that might do it. So he has a go, after a few minutes he gives up saying it's no good I havent had a drink for three days, then the second guy has a try, after awhile he gives up too. Then the woman has a go, she squats over the bag of flour and is straining like hell when she lets out this huge fart blowing the flour all over the desert, the two guys piss themselves laughing.

[Steeliedave]

Dan Dare has landed on a strange planet and is captured by aliens and they tell him he will be killed. He say's, I am Dan Dare famous space man from earth everyone on earth knows me. So they agree to take him back to earth and if the first person that see's him doesn't know him he will die. They land on earth in the African jungle, after walking for awhile they come across a small village, the village chief walks up to them and say's HELLO DARE!!!