Stupid humour

[Basil Henriques]

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

[JohnDavisStringsHere]

Jimmy and Archie are sitting in the pub discussing
> Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
>
>
> "Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ai've got everythin'
> organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caars, the reception,
> the wee rings, the min'ster, even ma stag nite".
>
> Archie nods approvingly."I've even bought a kilt to be married in!"
> continues Jimmy.
>
>
> "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart
> in that. What's the tartan?...."
>
> "Och," says Jimmy, "Ai'd imagine she'll be in white.”
>

[Basil Henriques]

I'm sure that you have seen and noticed the amount of pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices, on everything from the tissues to the note pads.

With so much advertising, how do you stand out from the crowd?

In my book, this one gets 1st. prize for attracting attention, and it's sure to be remembered....





I e-mailed it to a Chinese doctor friend. He e-mailed back: "If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician."

[Uncle Roy]

I bought my vampire mate a mirror for his birthday...
He says he can't see himself using it.

[Ken Byng]

A British frigate is moored in an estuary in a Saudi Gulf, and all of the ratings aboad are lined up on the shore side of the vessel. A Saudi Prince comes aboard, and makes an offer to the frigate's captain. "If any of your men can swim the 400 metres from here to shore, they can have their pick of any of the 200 hand picked maidens lined up on the shore. A word of warning - the estuary is full of sharks, crocodiles and piranha fish, and no-one has ever swum ashore alive".

The captain relay's this challenge to his men and the next second there is an almighty splash where a rating has gone in the water, and the man is swimming as fast as is humanly possible. He is cheered on by his mates aboard the frigate, and actually reaches the shore. When he is pulled ashore by helpers, they see that only his upper torso remains. The Saudi Prince's brother congratulates him, and says "Which one of these fine maidens would you like?" The rating spluttered "Stuff them, I just want to get my hands on the bastard who pushed me in!!!!"

[Ken Byng]

A man is polishing an old bronze lamp one day, and to his shock a genie appears. The genie says "You have released me and I can grant you one wish". The man says "I want to be a millionaire". The genie said "Before you can become a millionaire you have to face 2 challenges. You have to pull a bad tooth from a dog, and 'service' an old lady".

He takes the man on his magic carpet to a house with 2 rooms. The first room contains a gigantic American Pit Bull dog. In the next room is a naked old lady of 85, wrinkled and haggard. The man accepts the challenge and elects to go first into the room with the dog. There is much snarling, growling, barking and screaming, and half an hour later the man comes out with all of his clothes in shreds and covered in blood and bite marks. He says to the genie - "Right, now for the old woman with the bad tooth!"

[Uncle Roy]

Love this one

[Uncle Roy]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained "It's the Pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove to confront the guy and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist interjected

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, about three blocks from the pharmacy, I had a flat tyre. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I opened and started serving these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of twenty cent pieces against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... All of them hit the floor and broke.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing non-stop and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife.

She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...

And, honestly mate, all I did was tell her!"

[Tony Smart]

A good quip in a Newspaper this week.

Tesco's sales down. - - Every Lidl helps.

[Ken Byng]

I nicked this from the USA steel forum. Its funny - and true.

Musician: Noun. One who loads £5000 worth of equipment into a £500 car, to drive 100 miles to earn £50.