Stupid humour

[Gretschnut]

Overheard a Transvestite in the pub the other night saying "Christmas was a time to eat, drink, and be Mary!"

[Steeliedave]

Did you hear about the two queer ghosts, they were trying to put the willies up each other.

[JohnDavisStringsHere]

Your gonna hate me for this..........

CHRISTMAS PARROT


One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet,
which could sing famous Christmas carols.




This seemed like the perfect gift.




"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.
Chet began to sing:





"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! .. . "




The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:



"Silent Night, Holy Night..."


The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly
as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and
placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him,
and Chet crooned:



"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."




The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:



"Silent Night, Holy night..."




The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked,
"What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know.


"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.


So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly
like it was the performance of his life:



Are you ready ? ? ?


















"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Uncle Roy]

Growing up my mum would never tell me who my real father was.
I hope he is as nice as our old postman.
He sends me a birthday card every year without fail.

[slimbo]

'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'

[JohnDavisStringsHere]

wot the male centerpede said to the female centerpede........

"Wat a lovely pair of legs, pair o legs ,pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs pair o legs "

[slimbo]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU
1) You are reading this. 2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's not.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

[Will C]

3. Dogs can, but they are always laughing anyway.

[Spiritinthesky]

A guy walks into a shop and says: “I’d like a gas cap for my KIA.” The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: “Ok, that seems like a fair trade.”

[Ken Byng]

A guy rang a local brothel, and spoke to the Madam. He told her that he had a very special request, and the Madam told him that she could fulfil any fantasy that he had. The chap said it wasn't a fantasy, but he was looking for a lady of 6 feet 4 inches tall, and no more than 7 stones in weight. The Madam said that she would probably be able to track down someone to meet those credentials, but that it would be expensive. She quoted him £1000 for an hour, and the guy immediately agreed. He gave the woman his phone number, and she rang him back half an hour later to say that she had traced such a woman. He gave her his address.

40 minutes later an extremely tall and very very thin woman arrived at his house (which was an enormous mansion). He gave the woman the £1000 in cash, and told her that she would be away in 10 minutes. He took her into a very large wood panelled room with a blazing log fire on the go. He told the woman to strip off and kneel in front of the fire, which she did. He then left the room and returned immediately with a huge Great Dane dog on a lead. He took the dog over to the woman and said to it - "Bruno - this is what you will look like if you don't eat your food!!"



I bet some thought that was going in a different direction.