Stupid humour

[e9b6]

The other night I went on a real bender - pub after pub - I got completely rat-**sed.

In the morning when I finally woke, I found myself next to this really ugly woman.

Then I thought to myself - Phew that's a relief - I got home safely!!!

[JohnDavisStringsHere]

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intense pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will work a maximum of 37hrs per week in accordance with the EU working hours directive; even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy, eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash", has removed the rum ration, to be replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.


Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

[Steeliedave]

We were talking the other night about the good old days before we went decimal, I remember my dad had a penny farthing cycle which he travelled to work on every day, but as soon as we went decimal he couldn't get spare parts for it.

[thefatcyclist]

How do you stop your lapsteel from being stolen?
Keep it in a pedal steel case.

[Steeliedave]

Chap walks into a pub with a piece of rolled up tarmac under his arm, he says to the barman, a pint of bitter and one for the road please.

[Basil Henriques]

Now Summer is almost over it's time to get the dust of your steel guitar, so, to get it nice and spankin' brand new again, this is what to do :-

[B.J.Weston]

Whoah!!! that certainly got my mind racing,what a gem. Thanks Basil. ===Baz.

[Basil Henriques]

Tried out what he said and all I can get the guitar to play now is "Sleepy Lagoon" and "Mississippi"!!

[Jim Pritchard]

The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my 'steel gigs'. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There’s something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation -she didn't receive your email."

[Uncle Roy]

Hey Jimmy Loved that one