Stupid humour

[Donny Johnston]

If you fall off that wall and break your leg, don't come running to me

[Steeliedave]

I suffer with pins and needles in my feet, my Doctor tried to cure it with acupuncture.

[zbplayer]

A blind man asked me if I could see him across the road. I said "wait there and I,ll have a look".

[Uncle Roy]

My old dad worked on the roadworks for 30 years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... But when I got home all the signs were there

[Steeliedave]

I got knocked down by our mobile libary the other day, I was lying in the road screaming, the driver got out and said Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

[acerod]

A guy just came to the door collecting for the old folks home. I gave him the mother-in-law.

[acerod]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection,
please don't get an erection...
but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night,
and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"Sod that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had
the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that
they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and they sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor -
she only had £1.20 in her purse.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended
and backskuttled a few times too

Went for my routine check up today and everything
seemed to be going fine until he stuck his
index finger up my a...!
Do you think I should change dentists?

[Steeliedave]

I hate people who take drugs, customs officers and the police.

[Steeliedave]

A gypsy woman went to the doctors with two green circles on her inner thighs, what do you think they are Doctor she asked, the Doctor said, go home and tell your boy friend his earrings aren't made of gold.

[Steeliedave]

Two used condoms lying in the grass by a quiet lay-by, the one say's, "Oh! I feel terrible", the other one says, "why's that" the first one say's "I had a skin full last night"